One of the things that I absolutely
hate about depression is the way it dulls my appreciation of so many things in life. On a "good" day, I can look at flowers, like these pretty yellow ones, and marvel at every aspect of them, reflecting on their beauty and the amazing fact that God designed them to grow, look and smell just the way they do. He planned the shape, color and size of them, and intended that they would glorify Him, and bless us. On those days, my heart can fill to bursting with thankfulness and praise to Him, simply because of some flowers.
But on a bad day, it seems I can find nothing to be thankful for. My perception of the world is darkened and dreary. A sunny day is just another reminder of how low I am feeling, because I would just as soon stay in bed as be outdoors enjoying the warmth and brightness of it. My thoughts are so inward, so self centred and dismal. Add to that the guilt that comes from knowing that I should be outside, I should be enjoying and appreciating the beautiful weather that God has blessed us with. It's a no win situation all around, a spiral of self pity and helplessness that puts a strangle hold on my emotions that I cannot overcome.
Thankfully the bad days are getting fewer and farther between. Today is a good day. I met with friends this morning, and we shared with each other our amazement at just how much God cares for us. We talked about how He is concerned with the tiniest details in our lives, even to knowing the number of hairs on our heads. On a day like today, a good day, I wonder how I could ever not have a heart that is always full of thanks and praise to God. I wonder how I could let "depression" overshadow the truth of God's love for me. But it does. And it is likely to do so again.
Here is a thought that I hope I can remember on my next bad day. That God's care for me, His joy in me, His plans for me, will not change because I don't feel the way I should. If I stay in bed with the covers over my head for a week, He will continue to love me, and be involved in my life, and work in my heart. Because the beautiful thing is, it doesn't depend on how I am feeling. His attitude toward me is because of Who He is, not because of who I am. And He never changes!
If you are prone to the ups and downs of depression, I hope that on your next "down" day you will cling to this thought as well. If you are His child, His love for you will carry on, never lessening, even if you haven't a warm or tender thought toward Him. His faithfulness is everlasting. Alleluia!
