Still Here

I'm still here, learning to sometimes-fight, sometimes-manage, this thing called depression. I have learned a lot about this condition; it's symptoms, causes, and treatments. God has given me people who are supportive, which is such a huge blessing, and I am grateful to Him. There are others who are not so supportive, and I am learning to accept that. In going through the journey of seeking answers, I have learned to trust God more and more; for my health, my future, my finances, and my "reputation". He has shown me areas in my life that I need to change, and brought me to a place of sweet surrender to His will. It seems I have no choice!

These last 9 months have brought many times of despair, much worry, doubt, and confusion. But there have been blessings as well. My husband, who has been needing work for some time, is now working with one of the men from my home church group. That group has expanded, and we are experiencing the joy of following the Lord's lead, one baby step at a time. Not being able to return to my job has allowed me to consider other options, ones that I would have thought would never be possible to look at before. Now, as I see God's faithfulness in so many areas, I am believing Him more and more for the "impossible."

I watched a documentary yesterday about the resistance movement inside the Nazi regime. There was an organized group within and without Hitler's highest officials that plotted to end his life. Many attempts were made, but none successful. In all of these, it seemed as though God was simply not allowing him to be assassinated. Of course, we wonder why He would prevent this, since removing the leader would end much evil and suffering, halting his tyrannical and mesmerizing hold over so many people. Yet, he was allowed to continue until the appointed time, when defeat was at his door.

Sometimes we can look at illness like that. We wonder why God allows it, when we know that He can prevent it and heal it so easily. I have to believe that in all these things, He has a higher purpose. His ways are not our ways. Whether in the case of world history, including all the evil that Hitler instigated, or in our own, small lives, He is working out His plans and purposes. Faith is the anchor that He gives to us, to hold us steady in any storm.

A Grateful Heart

One of the things that I absolutely
hate about depression is the way it dulls my appreciation of so many things in life. On a "good" day, I can look at flowers, like these pretty yellow ones, and marvel at every aspect of them, reflecting on their beauty and the amazing fact that God designed them to grow, look and smell just the way they do. He planned the shape, color and size of them, and intended that they would glorify Him, and bless us. On those days, my heart can fill to bursting with thankfulness and praise to Him, simply because of some flowers.


But on a bad day, it seems I can find nothing to be thankful for. My perception of the world is darkened and dreary. A sunny day is just another reminder of how low I am feeling, because I would just as soon stay in bed as be outdoors enjoying the warmth and brightness of it. My thoughts are so inward, so self centred and dismal. Add to that the guilt that comes from knowing that I should be outside, I should be enjoying and appreciating the beautiful weather that God has blessed us with. It's a no win situation all around, a spiral of self pity and helplessness that puts a strangle hold on my emotions that I cannot overcome.

Thankfully the bad days are getting fewer and farther between. Today is a good day. I met with friends this morning, and we shared with each other our amazement at just how much God cares for us. We talked about how He is concerned with the tiniest details in our lives, even to knowing the number of hairs on our heads. On a day like today, a good day, I wonder how I could ever not have a heart that is always full of thanks and praise to God. I wonder how I could let "depression" overshadow the truth of God's love for me. But it does. And it is likely to do so again.

Here is a thought that I hope I can remember on my next bad day. That God's care for me, His joy in me, His plans for me, will not change because I don't feel the way I should. If I stay in bed with the covers over my head for a week, He will continue to love me, and be involved in my life, and work in my heart. Because the beautiful thing is, it doesn't depend on how I am feeling. His attitude toward me is because of Who He is, not because of who I am. And He never changes!

If you are prone to the ups and downs of depression, I hope that on your next "down" day you will cling to this thought as well. If you are His child, His love for you will carry on, never lessening, even if you haven't a warm or tender thought toward Him. His faithfulness is everlasting. Alleluia!