Psalm 121

I will lift up my eyes to the mountains;

From where shall my help come?

My help comes from the LORD,

Who made heaven and earth.

He will not allow your foot to slip;

He who keeps you will not slumber.

Behold, He who keeps Israel

Will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD is your keeper;

The LORD is your shade on your right hand.

The sun will not smite you by day,

Nor the moon by night.

The LORD will protect you from all evil;

He will keep your soul.

The LORD will guard your going out and your coming in

From this time forth and forever.

Living for the Lord

As Christians, I’m sure most of us will have heard the phrase “living for the Lord” used in conversation at some time. I recall a time when a woman’s whereabouts was questioned. She was a Christian, and was divorced. Her father explained that she had re-married a divorced man, and moved from Canada to the U.S. The reply, made in a sympathetic tone, was “oh, then she’s not really living for the Lord right now.”

Seems to me that not “living for the Lord” indicates some type of backsliding behaviour. Like no longer attending church, being in a questionable relationship, taking up drinking or gambling. Using my example above, remarrying after divorce would indicate to some that you had stopped living for the Lord.

Now, if you were living for Jesus, you would likely be committed to a church, involved in ministry, having daily devotions, witnessing, and fellowshipping with other Christians. And if you were really living for Him, you may attend Bible College as well, and go into full time ministry.

I have been thinking of this recently, since hitting my current “low” state. I certainly haven’t been doing many of those things that would indicate loyalty to the cause of Christ. My prayer life is sketchy, and there are days when I don’t pick up my Bible at all. God seems as far away as the outermost reaches of the universe. I don’t particularly want to see anyone, or go anywhere, let alone get out there and “witness for Christ.”

My immediate, and usual, reaction to this spiritually distanced existence is to feel guilty. For not being at work. For not doing more around the house. For not making more of an effort to get better. For not praying enough, or reading my Bible more. For not pushing myself out the door every day. For not doing a hundred other things that I “should” be doing.

If someone were to mark me at this moment on an “Are You Living for the Lord?” quiz, I think I would flunk. Badly. Just the thought of this could pull me down even further into negative thinking, and self condemnation. But I won’t do it. I might gang up on myself for not trying harder. I might resolve, once more, that tomorrow will be a better day. But I will not let myself slide into a state where I start to think that God is disappointed with me. I won’t start comparing myself with others who are, by His grace, up and running and “out there” for Jesus. I know that would be wrong. I know it would be based on a wrong belief.

You see, even though I am a slow learner, I find that I can still learn. And I am learning about grace. I am learning about this life that I now live, and this Life that now lives in me. It’s not so much about me living my life for Him, as Him living His life in and through me. And though I’m not one hundred percent sure of all that means, I am confident that His Life carries on in me, even when I feel as though I am barely living. That’s the marvelous thing about this exchange. It doesn’t depend on how well I do at any given moment. It depends on Him, Jesus Christ. His faithfulness, His purposes, His power. I can’t see the purpose, I don’t feel the power, but I do know about His faithfulness. Oh yes, I know about His faithfulness.

If you are in a "slump" of any kind, don't stay too long in the land of "should." Don't get stuck in the rotten rut of regret and self condemnation. Look up to Jesus. Look at Who He is, and what He has done, and what He has yet to do; in you, through you, and for you. You might not "feel" the truth of these things, but thankfully, His faithfulness doesn't depend on our feelings.

"I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me." (Gal 2:20)

Where I'm Headed

(First post of new blog, to explain reason for starting new blog, and reason for title of new blog.)

Depression drags you down, but God calls us up.

I am currently on leave from work, trying to get a handle on my depression. At first, the idea of staying away from the office seemed too good to be true. Not having to drag myself in everyday, rushing out the door, feeling overwhelmed even in just doing all the things I had to do to get me that far. Not having to talk to anyone all day, or think, or pretend I was ok and in control. What a relief!

But then I remembered what it was like to be home with depression. Not fun. Lots of time to think, which isn't always a good thing when your thoughts seem stuck on auto pilot, and always heading towards Bleakesville. Lots of time to sit around, or sleep. Then Mr. Guilt comes knocking, berating you for wasting time. Lots of time to see things that need doing, but just thinking about doing one of them is enough to send you back under the covers.

When my health care provider said she would give me a note for my employer, I was relieved, but wanted to ask her "ok, so what do I do while I'm at home?" I felt like I needed instructions, a list of prescribed activities that would become part of my "treatment", rather than just sitting around and waiting for the medication to kick in.

One of the most frustrating things about depression is a feeling of helplessness, of being overwhelmed with the simplest tasks. I wanted her to give me some "homework" that I would somehow manage to do, if only to be a "good little patient" and feel that I was at least co-operating and doing something to help myself. But of course, I didn't ask. Because I already know all the recommendations.

I have read, and studied, and sought out information in books and articles and websites too many to count. It's like I know what to do to lose weight. Yet I still search for that elusive "last diet" that will somehow magically melt the pounds off, with little or no effort on my part.

So when a friend sent me a link for a "depression" blogspot, I thought "hey, why don't I do that?" I am wanting to be pro-active in this thing, and not give in to the "poor me's" that can so often accompany depression. I want to take any steps that I can to move towards health. And, knowing that nothing is wasted in God's economy, I want to reach out to others along the way, just as others have helped me along in this often-times incredibly lonely journey.

I feel encouraged. Having a blog about depression is something tangible, and something that gives a purpose to my otherwise floundering efforts to make sense of the whole thing.

One thing I am sure of is this. We are saved to the highest purpose, that is to know, love, serve, and glorify our great God. Our lives are no longer our own, and His Spirit works mightily in us. Whatever circumstances we find ourselves in, we will continually be prompted and strengthened to persevere toward that calling, the "prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus" (Phil 3:14 KJV.)

Hopefully I haven't bitten off more than I can chew. Entries may be sporadic, depending on how my days are going. But my aim is to provide information, helpful hints, personal reflections, and last but in no way least, encouragement from God's Word. To Him be the glory.